Thoughts and Such

There have been a lot of things going on lately, I should write more often.  I have not been in the sharey mood I guess.

I had the phone interview with National City.  I guess it went well since I later got called for a face-to-face interview.  I was late to the interview.  Like 5 minutes late.  I felt like an idiot.  Then I felt even stupider because when I am nervous, I can think quick on my feet.  So when the branch manager was asking me question I must have sounded like a dummy.  I have tons of customer service and cash-handling experience, but she KEPT stressing the fact that I don't have any banking experience.  I will be mad if I don't get it because I will feel like they wasted my time.  ::sigh::  I wore my wig to the interview even though it is a blondy-orangey-redy color.  It was crazy--I was scared to wear my natural hair to the interview.  I thought the wig would be perceived better than wearing an afro.  That sickened me.  Like seriously.  But it is reality in today's world.

Bobby un-friended me on facebook.  I am pretending not to know.  I called him the other day to see if he had taken care of getting our phone plans separated.  And of course, he hasn't.  Then he told me this sob story about having x number of law school apps due on Sunday that he needs to pay for and he needs more time to get the money to separate our phone plans.  I wanted to be mean.  I wanted to yell and scream and cuss at him and then tell him "hell no, take care of it today".  But I couldn't.  I just said ok and then hung up.  **Note to self, never add someone to my phone plan again.**

Me + KF = okay?  So I guess now we are at least semi-dating.  I am just going with the flow of things I suppose.  On the up side--he is very supportive and encouraging.  He always has the right words to say when I am in some kind of funky mood.  He makes me happy.  I never would have imagined being able to say that about someone with a child, and no job.  Oh yea, he has a record too (kinda explains the no job).  But somehow, none of that seems to matter.  I mean it matters, but for whatever reason it does not make me like him less.  I light up every time I hear his ring tone or see a text from him--it's weird.  Today he was telling me that he got me a bear for Valentine's Day (I don't have it yet =( he was supposed to be bringing it tomorrow, but now he is sick).  For me the fact that he got me anything makes me happy enough, but he was stressing and talking about how he really wanted to get me a Build-A-Bear.  What I did not tell him is that a Build-A-Bear is the gift that is at the top of my wish list for every holiday.  lol.  Maybe he can get me one for Christmas or something.  But I did make sure to stress to him that I am more than happy with anything that he can afford.  I don't need gifts and stuff from him.  I am not looking for him to take care of me.  I am really just looking for him to be there when I need him and I think this is the first time in my life where I have felt like I actually had that from someone.  As for talking to him about feelings and stuff--I am holding off on that, I don't want to scare him.  He seems to be a commitment-phobe so I will let him control the pace of things.

I never told ya'll what happened in Detroit!  Here goes (and some other updates)......

I went to Detroit and me and KF had a good time. It was all nice and nice and stuff. We went out to eat and then we went to the movies and saw Jason. ::sigh:: I had never seen a Jason movie before and every time I covered my eyes he uncovered them. grr. After that we went to this little party thing. It was interesting. I have never been around so much weed in my life. When we first walked in I went over to this table and it had weed sprinkles on it (where someone had obviously been sitting and rolling a blunt). At first I looked at it and thought weed, but then in my innocence I looked again and thought, "that's not weed, it's confetti". Yea, no. lol. But overall, we had a good time.

Me and Bobby are officially no more! Yesterday was the last straw. He was calling me all kinds of "baldheaded b****" this and "stupid a**" that. So I told him we need to separate our phone lines and just go our separate ways. I feel a tad bad though because I know that he is jealous of KF and he is upset that I told him things are over. I know his feelings are hurt, but he has hurt mine for years; I just told him that I am finally moving on.

Other than that, I got a callback for a job yesterday and had a phone interview today! I might be a teller at National City. Just cross your fingers and pray that I get the job.

On a side note: I am scared to graduate. I have NO CLUE where I am gonna be or anything. And KF is scaring me a little. He said he thinking about moving up here for summer semester and that if I do end up moving out of state he will visit me a lot, but not come with me because he doesn't want to be that far from his son. I understand that completely. But it's crazy for us to be talking about the future and arguing about stuff like what to name [our] kids right? We aren't official or anything! We're not exclusive! I just decided in my mind that maybe we are actually dating. 

::looks around::


But, I do like him.....

Have you ever woke up one morning and just felt defective?  Yes, I said defective.  Like something is wrong with you.  That's kinda how I feel today.  Like I should wear a sign that says, "Hey I am a tad defective.  I have generalized anxiety disorder, and ADD, sprinkled with a hint of depression".  

That way people would know what they were getting themselves into with me from jump.  There would be no questions.  Or maybe I should type up a whole synopsis of my life and then at the end put something like, "Are you still interested now?"  Maybe that would get the job done.

I don't why but I feel like if I don't tell people this kind of stuff up front then I am not being fully honest. ::sigh::  I have an exam to go to now.....

To Fall.....or Not

I am supposed to be using this things to share my true feelings and things that I prolly wouldn't share otherwise.....so here goes.

Yesterday I went to Detroit to celebrate KF's b-day and Valentine's Day.  Firstly, I think that it's funny that the one year that I decide to be okay with being alone and not be sad and bitter on Valentine's is the one year that I have real plans.  Go figure.  Anyhow, I went to Detroit.  We saw Jason, went out to eat, went to a party, and I was able to see KF in his element.  I spent too much money, but it was cool.  I had a good time and he told me today that he had a great time.  I met some of his family and some of his friends.  He was telling people that I was his "baby" and his "girl" and he even told me yesterday that he really does like me.  A lot for one day, right?  Yea.

One of my friend's commented that it seems like he is getting really attached to me and I would have to agree.  We talked about getting married (hypothetically), having kids (VERY htpothetically), me possibly moving to Detroit, and him possible moving away from Detroit and MI all together.

I want to be happy.  I should be happy.  I should be estatic right?  He told me his likes me.  He got me stuff for Valentine's Day (well, he is supposed to be getting stuff).  It actually seems like he cares.  But I am not happy, or estatic, or anything.  If anything, I am scared.  And sad.  And conflicted about the whole situation.  I keep replaying me and Bobby in my mind.  Bobby-->in "like/love" for over 2 years, no reciprical feelings, and him just wanting me to wait around and be there in case he decided to like me.  

I don't want that to happen again.  

I see potential in KF, so much potential.  But can I work with potential?  Can I wait on potential?  Like when I was comparing KF to Mr. FFP.  There are people out there already where I am and even past that that wanna talk to me.  Do I wait?  

I am scared that he only likes me now because he hasn't found anything better.  Sex can never keep a man around for long.  I wanna tell him how I feel, but I don't want to sound all insecure and whiny.  And I guess the more I think about it the more I see just how bad Bobby hurt me and how I may not be over it yet.....

So do I allow myself to fall head over heels for KF?

Do Women Like Good Guys??

So I am kinda talking to this guy KF.  We have been hanging out since about August.  He can be okay sometimes and other times he can be a jerk.  ::sigh:: After all, he is only a man.  Well, the other day me and his cousin were talking about relationships and stuff and he kept talking about how girls never want "good guys" until after a string of "bad guys" has dogged them out.

But is it true??

The thing that brought me to this question is my current situation.  I am talking to KF.  If I can use any words to describe KF, they would be things like hard, gangsta, and other words of that nature.  He is turning 23 on Sunday, has one child, still working on his degree (he'll be done next year) and right now he doesn't have a job.  

On the other hand, last week I met this other guy: Finey McFinepants.  Let's call him Mr. FFP for short. lol.  He is 26, no kids that I know of, has his degree, has his MBA, is in his first year of law school, and has a job.  Did I mention he also works on contracts for major recording labels already?  Yea.  He seems cool.  Tall as heck, like 6'3 prolly and fine too.

So what's the problem??

I don't know.  But the more I talk to Mr. FFP, the more I dread him asking me out or something like that.  I haven't turned him down, but I kinda wish that he wouldn't ask.  I will admit that I like KF--I was avoiding that revelation before.  But I don't know what is driving me soooo close to KF and sooooo far from Mr. FFP.  We can all agree that Mr. FFP is clearly the better choice on paper--even I realize that, but I like? where me and KF are right now.  Kinda.  Only kinda because I know pretty soon I will start wanting an "official relationship" and I don't think he will being going for that.  I know we both caught feelings, but I am sure I caught more of them.

But back to the question at hand.  If we categorize KF as a bad guy and Mr. FFP as a good guy; what is pulling me to KF?  Am I just attracted to bad guys??  Why aren't I trying to jump on Mr. FFP???

What to say? What to say?

This is my first day on blogspot.  I got one after my favorite xanga friend got one. lol.

Maybe I will have more to say later....